Regrets Of The Dying by Bronnie Ware

Vanitas Still Life. Oil Painting by Sarah Zainal, 2011.

Vanitas: The Latin word means "vanity" and loosely translated corresponds to the meaninglessness of earthly life and the transient nature of all earthly goods and pursuits. 

If there is an advice to prevent regrets in life, the wisest one may come from those who see an impending end to their lives, from people on their death beds. Bronnie Ware spent time with her patients during the last 3-12 weeks of their lives.

Below is the article "Regrets Of The Dying" by Bronnie Ware.

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Source:
http://bronnieware.com/regrets-of-the-dying/

Sometimes things happen that hurt so much that trying to shut it out completely becomes damaging to yourself and others around you. It'll take awhile to let go of the precious things you've lost and mend the broken pieces left behind. It may take a long time but you'll be happy to find that things will get better and you'll move on. Trying to amend damaged bridges from the aftermath of such events will take effort. Having to mend damaged relationships will require you to put aside any form of ego present within, breaking down your own walls you've built to shield yourself from any further pain and just be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is being open and allowing others to enter or re-enter your life.

Due to circumstances, however, it may not be possible to fulfil everything stated by Bronnie Ware. There might be bigger responsibilities that need you to put aside your dreams at the moment. It is not necessarily giving it up entirely, but putting it on hold, or indirectly making it possible by doing things on the side that will help it to be more feasible in the future. Experiences count and you'll get wiser by the day. "What each must seek in his life never was on land or sea. It is something out of his own unique potentiality for experience, something that never has been and never could have been experienced by anyone else." - Joseph Campbell. 

The list does provide a balance- if you're maintaining your relationships well and spending sufficient quality time with people who matter, it is less likely that you feel like you've overworked.

Expressing yourself and making it known how you feel makes closure so much easier knowing the other party is aware of what they'd done. It hurts way more to keep it bottled up and see them continuing to hurt others or themselves. "Most men lead live of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them." - Henry David Thoreau.

Happiness always a constant work in progress isn't it? It's having to be mindful and constantly aware of being optimistic and positive which takes effort by living in the present moment. "Be careful of how you interpret the world: It is like that." - Erich Heller. Eventually, your thoughts become your reality.

P.s. The above is written in a self-talk manner to myself as things I've learnt these along the way. I also realise the contradictory nature of making the best out of life and realising that it is temporary- especially the part on chasing dreams be it in aspirations, relationships, careers, etc. Hence, I guess responsibility takes precedence over it until the time is right, which is after paying your dues.


Any thought or comments? Just leave it down below :)

Love,
Sarah Zainal